At the end of one’s youth, the search for self-realization brings about – inevitably – that experiential set depicted in the tarot as the Tower.
My tower was massive and well constructed. It was the system of beliefs within which I was brought up – a monolithic edifice of circular logic, built by theologians over two thousand years to restrict and channel human spirituality. It is a juggernaut of a belief system. The bigger they come, the harder they fall.
Afterwards, I became detached. This is, in itself, neither a good nor a bad thing. It is a decoupling of the ego from the flow of the world. I was like water, taking the path of least resistance.
On one hand, this detachment gave me the freedom to ride a wave of life, letting it carry me and wash over me and immerse me. Becoming lost in the wave is, in a way, comforting. Surrendering to whatever power has driven you like a leaf in a gale, and praying to the wished-for merciful parent in the sky that the driving power is benevolent.
Never really knowing; losing the fear of anticipation, having given up already the expectation of anything at all – make this a way of life and you will be taken in interesting directions.
On the other hand, the effects on your life in terms of chaos and damage may be severe. Working through the wreckage and building from the smoking ruins of your own life is an experience with real value. This does not make it a desirable pursuit.
This is the meaning of sacrifice. You receive a priceless, divine, miraculous gift. And you pay for it with the blood of your former life.
There are better ways – but none more thorough. It is well said that learning by hard experience is the meaning of the religious expression “trial by fire”: the bad parts of us are burned away. It is wiser to learn without suffering, through reason – but we are not always wise. The cautious way is to build healthy skepticism into every model that we use, to the extent possible. As George Box reminds us, “All models are wrong, but some are useful.” It is also useful to bear in mind, as we construct a new and better model, that this tower, too, shall fall in time. Detachment is a balance, after all.