The overlap between religious abuse and narcissistic abuse in the context of a relationship is so complete, in terms of method and effects, that it hardly seems possible to differentiate the two.
Before exploring this overlap, we had better define our terms. Narcissism and narcissistic abuse have in recent years gained enough attention in popular culture that most of us are familiar with the concept. Religious abuse, on the other hand, rarely makes the news except when it results in a victim’s death.
For now, we will define narcissistic abuse as intentional manipulation of others, consciously and callously using methods that cause psychological or emotional harm.
Religious abuse we will define as the use of religious beliefs or practices to control someone, especially when the methods employed result in harm to the person being controlled, including physical, emotional, mental or financial harm.
The similarities are easily identified:
– Both types of abuse center around a dysfunctional power gradient, where the abuser holds a disproportionate amount of power over the victim. This imbalance allows the abuser to exert control and dominate the other person’s life, dictating their choices and behaviors under the guise of superiority or divine mandate.
– Each of these two types of abuse leaves the victim susceptible to the other type. Victims of religious abuse may find themselves vulnerable to narcissistic abusers who mimic the authoritative, absolute power they have come to expect and accept. Similarly, those who have endured narcissistic abuse might be more likely to submit to religious abuse, seeing it as a familiar pattern of authority.
– Both forms of abuse often employ gaslighting to manipulate and control the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. This tactic reinforces the abuser’s control and often leaves the victim dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality.
– Isolation is another common tool in both types of abuse. Narcissistic abusers and religious authorities alike may isolate their victims from friends, family, and other external influences that could challenge the abuser’s control or offer the victim support.
– The abuse in both cases frequently escalates over time. What might begin as subtle manipulation can grow into more overt and harmful behaviors as the abuser becomes more confident in their control over the victim.
Still, there are important distinctions:
– Religious abuse is institutional; it’s not just one individual manipulating another but an entire system that perpetuates abuse. This can make it harder to recognize and escape from, as the abuse is often interwoven with community and cultural norms.
– Narcissistic relationship abuse is intensely personal and occurs within individual relationships. It might be perpetrated by a spouse, parent, friend, or coworker and doesn’t necessarily involve a wider community or institutional backing.
– Religious abuse typically begins in a family context, in a child’s formative years, often going unchallenged because it is intertwined with familial and community norms. This early indoctrination can deeply embed the abusive dynamics into the victim’s worldview.
– The intentions and self-awareness of abusers can differ. In cases of narcissistic abuse, the abuser may be entirely aware of their manipulative tactics and use them for personal gain. In contrast, those perpetrating religious abuse may sincerely believe they are acting in the best interests of the victim, which can complicate the victim’s response to the abuse.
Simply put, religious abuse is a subset of narcissistic abuse, institutionalized and legitimized under the pretext of accepted social tradition.
What about parents who love their children but subject them to harm for the sake of religion? In this case, the parents, too, are victims of abuse: their natural parental love has been hijacked by a superseding concern for the spiritual well-being of the child – based on an induced fear of divine punishment for noncompliance with the institution’s control tactics. This dual victimization — of both parent and child — creates a complex web of abuse that can perpetuate cycles of harm across generations, making the process of recovery and healing particularly challenging.